Of Shagz, Latrines and Blind Bats…. 

A friend, who shall forever stay unnamed, invited herself to my home last Easter. This friend of mine lives in Nairobi and had never been to coast before. We met during my university years, almost half a decade ago. Then our friendship like most, hit a snag.  So I was surprised when she started contacting me towards the end of February this year. Texts intensified in March, she addressed using sweet names like “swiry”, “sis from another mother”and I knew she must be in need of a favour coz no one likes me that much. 

She chose the perfect moment and popped her question.  She wanted to visit my family in coast and I couldn’t say no.  My friend  probably thought just coz we live in coast, our house is somewhere in the middle of the ocean. That we woke up in our bikinis, drink coconut milk tea as we brush our hair with naked fish bones all day long.  Shock on her! My parents live so far from the beach….So far away that even if we had nostrils as wide as SGR tunnels we’ll still not be able to catch  a whiff of the salty ocean water. 

The big day arrived and brought my friend with it. I picked her up from the main stage and took her home. She stood out like a sore thumb from the rest of us. She wore very  black lipstick to match her soul, heels too high that  you could see your future from up there plus a tiny pink dress.Since my friend is a diehard member of the pantyless society of Nairobi, the hanging parts were all wobbly and floppy.  My parents at that moment are probably wondering what kind of crazy I dragged into their home. 

Minutes into her visit, my good friend tells me, through her nose that  she needs to visit the “little lady’s room”. Her words, not mine. I take her to the latrine outside. Her face goes blank. “what’s that hole on the floor?”, she asks in-between major  eye rolling and hair flicking. “we use it to play golf sometimes?”, I joke to diffuse the awkward moment. Her face is expressionless, maybe due to the stack of makeup on her face. I explain to her like a little kid that that’s where she was to take her business and I leave. 

One minute later my friend storms out screaming, her tight dress gathered up on her waist. I was a little confused at first then I saw it. Little leathery black flapping wings in between her butt cheeks. I figured that when she squatted to do her business, a bat came flying up and in a moment of panic and perfect timing, she clamped it’s head between her butt. 

I wanted to laugh so bad at that moment but that would have made me a horrible human being(which I am sometimes). So I tackled her down and yanked the bat to freedom from the hell holes. That was a not so proud moment for her. I blame myself for not telling her about  the bats down the hole. Maybe it would have saved us a future endangerment law suit. I’ve never seen nor heard from my friend ever  since.  

My friend, if you are reading  this, we are currently working on installing a WC. Hope you’ll visit us again for Christmas. 

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45 thoughts on “Of Shagz, Latrines and Blind Bats…. 

  1. Hilarious piece. You keep this up, and you will have many addicts to your blog…awesome humor, ‘black lipstick to match her soul’- don’t we all know such a lady…

    So did she get your good parents’ approval?

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  2. Hehehe, dangling a bat on her butt? must have freaked her whole. Didn’t know you are an expert in “bat-plucking”, what i know is the bat was lucky wasn’t dangling from your mammoth butts.

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  3. And so there’s a pantyless society of Nairobi.It took this post for me to know.Nice read.Meanwhile,Naypest would be your partner in pest control and rid off the bats from the butts,lol 😁

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  4. To say the least, you’ve started on a very high octane…you’ll go very far…in the right direction. I saw this talent without much screening.Thumbs up for taking the maiden plunge Haluwa!

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  5. My friend  probably thought just coz we live in coast, our house is somewhere in the middle of the ocean. That we woke up in our bikinis, drink coconut milk tea as we brush our hair with naked fish bones all day long.. 😀 😀

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