A friend, desperately in need of a favour called me the other day. She wanted me to accompany her to some date with some guy she met at some place (obviously from some shady dating site). When she tells me the guy is a foreigner, I assume she’s just scared and wants us to go die in twos if it ever came to that but it wasn’t the case.
She had lied to the guy that she was pure…untouched.. untainted (you get where I’m going with this, yeah?) ..and that she came from a really respectable background, that her parents won’t allow her to leave the house without her sister’s company (I assumed that I was to play the role of her sister even though our differences could be spotted by a blind man thirty kilometers away).
I couldn’t help but laugh a little inside. Pure? My friend?.. Is she nice, yes. Is she kind, very. Is she pure enough to sacrifice to the gods in exchange for a gift of rain like our ancestors did in the “golden” days? Hell no!. If we did that, We’d be slapped with 40 years of famine and those who survive that will probably face a plague of horny camels and they’d be plowed to a horrific, gruesome death…that’s how mad the sky spirits will be. Not to judge but come on. Lady has been through men more times than I change underwear.
Anyway, so date day came. My friend had told me it wasn’t something fancy and I didn’t need to dress up so I showed up at the pick up point in some old jeans and a t-shirt. Obviously she had withheld information from me as she appeared wearing this beautiful flowy dress, eyebrows looking like she had glued two black bananas on her forehead. I believed she had given me wrong information just to throw me off my dressing game and diffuse what she thought was a possible threat.
I felt like a third wheel the whole date. The couple was laughing, feeding off each other’s plate and I was just sitting there looking like a depressed, butch lesbian bodyguard. I was so thankful when it was time to head home. Guy had a chauffeured expensive car and as expected the lovely couple sat in the back while the “helps” silently co-piloted in the front.
A few minutes into the journey, car slowed down then came to a halt at some deserted place. A few foreign words were exchanged between driver and the boss then driver left the car. I was getting worried at that point but since my friend had told me not to leave her alone with the guy at any point, I stuck on.
Silence engulfed the car then suddenly giggles pierced the tense air. I turned my head, not because I wanted to spy on them but coz I was on edge and just about anything could startle me. What I saw cannot be described without attracting censor banners. Let’s just say one of my friend’s legs was visiting her relatives in Coast while the other was seeking out her future in-laws in Nigeria. Ladies and gentlemen, I saw the real meaning of “flexibility” in 3D.
I couldn’t even move for fear of looking where I shouldn’t. I fumbled with the door, eyes closed but couldn’t locate the handle. The torture! . In the back, it was all fun and games. Giggles intensified. “your hands feel weird down there”, my friend quiped in between hearty giggles.Two minutes later her giggles stop and her voice raises. “WTF are you doing?! … It feels like you are scratching an airtime voucher!.. Do you even know what you are doing?!”
Ouch! Dude did a shoddy job representing his country. And as it happens, he had an ego bigger than a melon. To cut the story short, let’s just say my jeans and rubber shoes came in handy during the long walk home unlike my friend who had to walk barefoot as the road wasn’t compatible with her heels.